Thursdays Thirteen!!!!!!!!!!

Thirteen Things that I  DO NOT Trust*

*In no particular order.

1. Captain Crunch. Captain Crunch cannot be trusted. You buy captain crunch, getting lured in by the promise of "Sweetened Corn & Oat Cereal" and the adorable lookin' Captain with the big nose. The next thing you know, you're at home eating this lovely concoction. You're really enjoying this delicious cereal and are totally unsuspecting when suddenly you realize what has happened. It may take a few bites, half a bowl, it may wait and sneak up on you when you've already rinsed your bowl. But it will hit. The pain. The rawness. The shreddage. That delicious bowl of cereal has just raped the tender roof of your mouth. It is now raw, and tender, and it feels, well, weird. I will never again trust Captain Crunch. Not even with the lure of "berries" and "peanut butter". Never again Captain. Never again.

2. Fast Food Orders. Long gone are my days of ordering fast food, and driving off without checking my order. Entrusting the establishments staff to properly execute the order in which I have placed. No longer will I trust that my chicken burrito will actually be a chicken burrito, and not a beef burrito. No longer will I trust that there are indeed two orders of fries, and not one. No longer will I trust that I will have that plastic spork to eat my messy hot dog/yogurt parfait/frosty. No longer will I trust that there will be a straw for me to drink my drink with. Never. Never, ever, never, ever, ever, never.

3. Babies/Toddlers with Teeth. There was a time when I would thoroughly enjoy a little baby burrowing there sweet little face into me. Loving me with all their baby cuteness. Never again. Once your flesh has been pierced by those sharp-edged, pearly white, newly erupted teeth you will never trust a baby again. It comes out of no where. You're snuggling, and their cooing, and giggling, and your loving, and BAM! It hits you, that horrid pinching/cutting pain! You've been BITTEN.

4. My Bowels. No that is not a typo, and yes I went there. Those irritable bastards have let me down for 10 years now. They're not just irritable, they're down right cantankerous. The worst part of this dysfunctional relationship is the instability. I never know when I'm going to be assaulted by a surprise bout of explosive diarrhea. Long gone are the days when I can "hold it 'til I get home". 

5. DOGS!!! Never, ever trust a dog. They look at you with those puppy eyes, and wag that tail, and look all furry and cute, yea well I have three words for that. FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY. Oh you'll get the whole, "Look at me! I'm furry and friendly! I'm Mans best friend!" and then they maul you. I don't know what it is about me, I guess the whole, "They sense your fear" thing is true, but what kind of asshole bites you just because you're scared of it? And when you've been bitten 27 times, how can you NOT be scared?! I try pretending to not be scared, but they know....those evil bastards can see into your soul. And I don't trust anything that can see into my soul. (There is one exception to this rule, and that is my dog Rocky, an English Bulldog who lives with my father. He was too meaty to hurt anybody, and too loving to to sense fear. I miss you Rocky!)

6. New Shows. Sometimes you will luck out, but more times then not they let you down. You find a new show. You watch it, get to know the characters, get sucked in to the story, and then you go to tune in and...whaaaaat?! Where is _____?! It's supposed to be on, on this night, at this time! Where is it? Well I have your answer. CANCELLED. Sometimes, just because they're sadistic meanholes, they won't even let you know what happens, and you're left screaming at your television: "Who's the killer?!?!" or "Is he the father?!", etc. 

7. New Shoes. Blisters. Ouch. 'Nuff Said.

8. Various Bodies of Water. You never, ever truly know what is lurking in that water. Waiting to eat you. Or traumatize you. Or sting you. Or bite you. Or just watch you like a creepy pedophile. You never know. And I don't like not knowing. 

9. Hotel Linens. Anything in a Hotel. Ew. If I haven't washed, bleached, sanitized it myself, then I don't trust it. (Unless it's a close friend or family member. I may trust their linens and such.) I don't trust the linens, I don't trust the cups, I don't trust the floors, I don't trust any surface or thing. I don't trust the creepy hallways, or stairwells either. 

10. Calls from 1-800/1-866 Numbers. Nothing good could come from a 800-866 call. It's either creepy solicitors, or meanhole collectors. There's only one thing to do with 800-866 calls. IGNORE. Thank goodness for caller ID. 

11. Men with tinted glasses, that wear creepy sweaters, and drive windowless vans. In all honestly....who would?!

12. Teenagers. *shudders* or even worse....PRETEENS.


and last but not least:

13. "Free" Magazine Subscriptions. So you're promised that "With this purchase you receive a years subscription of __________!" All you have to do is pay a small processing fee and cancel when you receive your reminder, or you will be billed $9,435.27. First of all the magazines are ALWAYS late. Second of all the "small processing fee" is not small. Small is 25¢-$2. $10 isn't small!! THIRD OF ALL they NEVER give you a "reminder". They sneak in and take your money without any warning! And usually it's no a day when you're broke and have $3 in your account. So that when you check your balance you have -$9432.27 and FuREAK out. (In retrospect maybe I should answer those 1-800 calls, maybe they're reminding me about my "free" subscription....)


What things in life have you lost faith in? Do share.