What is this? Besides not cool...

This is really hard sharing for what will you will soon see to be obvious reasons, but {A} I get tend to get the best advice when I blog about whatever crap I'm dealing with and {B} Someone else may be going through this too, and it's nice to know that you're not alone in something. {Misery loves company after all.} I am having major, major, super unfun...issues....I guess we can call them. Almost since the day Grayson came home from the hospital I have had the worst anxiety I have ever dealt with in my life.

I am absolutely consumed with the horror that something bad will happen to Grayson. It eats at me. All. The. Time. There are nights I wake up screaming from nightmares. Or there are nights where I wake up and not to sound too morbid, but I think he's dead, and I wake Mel screaming my lunges out.

Do you know what it's like to think your baby is dead?

Even though, yes, I do see is okay seconds later, I still go through that split second feeling that I've lost my world.

There are nights were I literally don't sleep. Even when G's not being a vampire raccoon baby I can't bring myself to close my eyes and sleep. All I can do is lay there and watch his chest rise up and down, and feel comfort in knowing he's okay. I panic while driving at times because I can't see him in his rear facing car seat, and have pulled over just to make sure he's okay. Even while sitting down to write this post, I've checked on him twice and have asked Hailey to check on him once. {He's napping in his own crib, in his own room for the first time.}

I know this isn't normal. I know that mama's do sometimes have there moments where they go in and check on their little ones, or daddy's go in with the "string" check everyone laughs about. But this? This isn't something I do every now and again, and can laugh about, this is something so much bigger.

I can't help but wonder if I have some sort of form of postpartum depression. I feel no sadness that comes with depression, I'm not weepy, I don't feel the hopelessness, loss of pleasure, loss of appetite, I don't feel worthless or guilty, and I don't have any thoughts of harming myself or others. Nothing that raises that normal red flag. I'm just 100% terrified, and anxious, and fearful.

I have talked to my regular doctor and he himself said that he doubted it was PPD, but thought instead it was just anxiety. Honestly though, I really can't help but wonder if he truly grasps the severity of this anxiety I'm feeling. He prescribed me pretty much the only thing that nursing mothers can take while breast feeding, but said that it would make G really mellow. No thank you. Because it's still not considered 100% safe, and does decrease your milk supply I just can't bring myself to take it.

I have heard horror stories of parents suffocating their little ones, but honestly I am just too scared to have Grayson be anywhere but with me at night. I feel like it's a catch 22. I'm terrified something will happen to him in our bed, but I'm terrified something will happen to him if he's NOT in our bed.

I've tried praying, and asking for this to be taken from me. I've tried leaving it out of my hands. But the anxiety is still there. The nightmares are still coming.

Watching my mother-in-law lose her child hasn't helped. I can't imagine losing a child. I can't even form the thought without a full-blown panic attack.

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like any moment felt anxious or fearful is a moment taken from me that could be spent feeling the joy of having such a wonderful and precious new baby! I am being cheated out of these moments! I just wish I knew what to do...

If you have gone through this please share your experience! What, if anything, helped? Any thoughts, ideas, anything is welcomed. And I know I ask for prayers all the time, but seriously, I could really use them through this. Also, if you know of ANYthing that helps anxiety that can be used or taken while nursing a baby please let me know! I don't want something that will decrease my supply or effect him in any way.

Top Mommy Blogs - Vote for us @ TopMommyBlogs.Com!