Time

I used to think having more children meant dividing my love. How could I ever love anyone as much as my Joshua? I thought having another child would mean splitting my heart in two. That my first born would have to share his love with his sibling. I was so wrong. My heart didn't instantly split in half, each side for each child, my heart GREW. In fact, my heart has grown 4 times over. 5 if you factor in the plunge I took when I feel deeply in love with my one and only.

One thing, I've learned, does NOT expand and grow. It is inevitably divided. Never stopping, not even pausing, forever running.

Time.

When I stop and really think about time, and how much has passed since first giving my heart and soul over to another being, I am almost overcome with pain. How did it go so quickly?! Even though while going through it I felt I was doing the best, and making the most of it, there's so much I would do differently now. There's so many times I wish I could go back to when Joshua fit so comfortably and cozy in my lap. He is so quickly outgrowing me that holding him is painful. Both physically and emotionally.

I just want it back.

I want him to always be my little baby boy but time is cruel and each day he grows more and more into a preteen. I see less and less of my boy and more and more of the future man he is becoming.

It has reminded me to cherish these days with Grayson. To baby him with all I have and have no regrets. And even in doing so I almost feel guilty. Do I cuddle Grayson more than I did Joshua? Most certainly not! But I cuddle him more than Joshua NOW. Who is to say Joshua doesn't want my cuddles? He hasn't said! Even if he is heavy, and boney, and can't comfortably fit into me like he once did, I vow to get more cuddles. Until I am denied them.

I didn't know that watching your babies grow up would be this hard. But it is. It is one of the most painful heart wrenching things to go through. Yet NOTHING has ever, or could ever, make me feel so proud. Watching our children grow is the very definition of bittersweet.


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