The Day the Blog Died

It has been 1 year and 4 months since I last blogged.

I started off 2015 so full of hope, longing to will myself, my life, into what I wanted, what I dreamt to be. How heartbreaking it is to look back and read the resolutions I had made. As I sat, slowly reading through my short list of hopes I felt a piercing pain in my chest. A cold pain that relentlessly stabbed deeper and deeper with every failed goal I read.

I try to remember what I felt as I sat down to write a new blog post for the new year. The excitement I must have felt, the kind of excitement that comes with the promise of a new beginning. I picture how it must have buzzed through me, down into my arms, through my hands, and along my fingertips, flowing into the keyboard, creating one solitary post.

One post. For all of 2015. Just one.

A month after I published that post I experienced one of the hardest times in my life. All the hope I felt vanished into the black sea of depression I was sucked into.

I spent the majority of 2015 drowning in that black sea, with waves of anxiety, and anger crashing over me, forcing me deeper and deeper until I reached such a low that I was no longer capable of seeing the light through the water's surface. Without a reference I couldn't tell up from down, left from right. The pressure tightened my chest and squeezed every final breath from me. I didn't know my way out, and at one point I no longer cared enough to fight to find it.

It took a lot of work to swim to the surface and crawl out of that black sea. A lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of love from my family, and a lot of will. It also took strength to admit I needed help, and even more strength to actually reach out for that help. I talked to my doctor and started a medication that would help both depression and anxiety. It didn't "cure" me overnight. It took weeks to notice a difference. Little by little life became more bearable.

It's been a few months now since I've felt like I've rejoined the living. I still feel like I have some ways to go. But I know without a doubt that it's not nearly as long to go as before. I'm getting there step by step. I still have bad days, but after having bad weeks and bad months a day here and there, even if it's a couple of days, really doesn't seem that bad. Most of all, when I have those days I know that it is temporary and that it WILL get better. And that's most comforting of all.

Since I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, and start LIVING again, rather than just surviving, I thought that I should start by dusting off this old blog.

I don't want to pressure myself to post every day, or even very often. I'm still scared of the anxiety that certain things like deadlines can cause. But I want to do what I enjoyed before, and part of that is writing. Not for others, but for myself. I need it now more than ever. Maybe I will kick off and reignite an old hobby. Maybe not. Time will tell. 😉