I can't cry in front of people. I cry a couple times a year, anywhere between 2 to 4 times. As of yet the only humans I have cried in front of have been my offspring (They are also the only other human beings that I have been able to sing in front of.)
The weird thing is, I get very emotional at times. A big ball of hormonal emotions whose heart aches over movies,television shows, touching blog posts or emails, hell even commercials choke me up! But no matter what I try I can't get myself to let the tears flow! There have been times that holding in the tears has caused me PHYSICAL pain. Honest to blog PAIN. And yet the flood gates still wouldn't budge.
One night I put on a tear-jerker movie, and brought out a box of tissues DETERMINED to get the water works going in front of my husband. "This is it!" I told myself. "It is OKAY to cry!" I decided I had had enough and I was GOING to cry in front of my husband damn it!
I didn't shed a single tear that night.
Every time I get emotional, I get a lump in my throat. This lump seems to cut off all tear production. It's hard to swallow, hard to breath even. The only release would be to cry, to sob, to bawl my eyes out like a baby. But the lump holds it's ground, refusing to budge!
I think this is further proof that I am part velociraptor. {Raptors don't cry.}
Anyway, one might view this as just a side effect of being a badass. {Or my raptoric genes.} Some may think, "Wow, she is strong! Like rock!" and go all native american indian talk on me. But it couldn't be further from the truth.
In fact, I think it is the complete opposite. I am weak. "Weak like tissue!" I think people who get all emotional, and cry, and are brave enough to reveal how tender, and sensitive they are are the strong ones! They don't care WHO sees them! And they certainly don't care what anyone thinks! They are going to cry! They're going to let there tears flow out of their crumpled up faces, snot dripping down their face and all.
I am a coward who can't reveal my sadness, or pain, or at times heart-warming joy with anyone.
Excuse me while I go cry into my pillow...
3 comments:
waaaahhhh!!!! that makes me want to cry for you! i cry over everything. sometimes even sobbing over books i've read. just let it out girl!!
I get you on the singing thing. I cry at the drop of a hat these days so I can't relate this time. Weird since I thought we were twins. I don't think you can plan it. I wonder if you really do have a medical problem, velociraptor blood in you aside?
My husband likes to call me his little bawl bag - I cry over EVERYTHING.
And yes, you are right - it hurts to hold it in!
I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. At least you have the DESIRE to cry! You're not really holding it in on purpose - that should say something!
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