losing my religion

This is really hard for me to talk about. But I feel like it needs to be out there. Because someone may be going through the same thing, or maybe someone has something that could help my heart in healing...

For the past year, I have struggled considerably with my faith. Let me start from the beginning...I was raised in church, gave my life to Christ at 15, and after years of struggle I rededicated my life and was baptized in May of 2007. We went to church, as a family every Sunday. I loved the music and worship and it really gave my life happiness, joy and fulfillment! After attending that particular church for a year I decided it was time to find a new church home. I wasn't as happy as I thought I could be. It was a HUGE church, and great for new believers, but I wanted to move on and join an actual church family. I wanted a chance for close relationships, and I wanted to see people I knew every week. We ended up finding the perfect church. It was everything I wanted. It was bigger, but not so big that you felt lost in the crowd. It was progressive, had an amazing message, and music, and I made awesome friends! For the first time, I really became involved in church. I volunteered, joined life groups, attended every event I could. I LOVED the church and my church family.

I'm not really sure where things started slipping. I can't say it was the church. {Even though I tried to blame the church, or really anything other than myself at that time.} The church hadn't changed though. I had. Looking back, I believe it was just a depression that turned everything around.

I remember being on my knees, begging God in prayer, and for the first time instead of feeling better and okay, I felt...alone. I had never felt alone before and it was terrifying. I didn't feel my God anymore. I felt empty, that I no longer was his temple. I felt abandoned. And immediately I felt angry.

I was angry at God for leaving me feeling this way. I was angry at God for all the unanswered prayers. I was angry at God for EVERYTHING.

I didn't want to feel this way. So I reached out and started reading my bible. I think this only made things worse. I felt like everything I was raised to believe in had turned into a fairy tale. How could I have possibly believed any of those fairy tales??? I asked myself. I started hating being around Christians, and scoffed at their faith, and what I thought was ignorance. I think though, I was really jealous, and in pain from what I had lost.

I hated life. I hated the judgement and prejudice I constantly saw around me. I hated everybody. And I hated God. I was so incredibly hurt. All I could tell myself was, "If that's the God that created me, I don't want him anymore.".

It took me a long time, well any time feeling the misery I felt feels like a long time, for me to realize that everything I was mad about wasn't God. It was man. It was man who had betrayed me and left me feeling abandoned and alone. It was man who pointed their finger with their judgements and prejudices. It was MAN who screwed everything up. NOT GOD.

I began looking at God in a different way. As a parent. I'm a parent, so it was easy to relate. He sent his son to die for us. And I truly believe that. I truly believe that Jesus Christ took our sins upon himself so that we could be made clean and have everlasting life with Him. I began looking at Jesus from a parent's perspective. I would take my life in an instant for my children.

It was then that I felt my relationship had changed. And afterwards I found it easier to love my God.

I am still struggling, but I no longer feel empty and alone. I do feel like my God is with me, helping me through the struggles of an evil world. And I know I wouldn't have made it this far without him. I love my children UNCONDITIONALLY and this has helped me in regaining my faith because I know that God loves ME unconditionally. I know there's nothing I can do, or have done that would make God not love me. I may do things that don't make him proud, my kids have disappointed me before too, but I know he will always love me no matter what.

My anger and frustration is no longer with God. It is with man. And most particularly other Christians. So, I'm still struggling there. I'm still struggling with church. But I will say, that I am SO blessed to have been part of the church I've been a part of for so long because I truly believe they are the perfect church for someone going through what I'm going through. I haven't gone hardly while I've been going through this. But I did go twice recently, and would love more than anything to go more, right now it's my health and pregnancy keeping me from going, and not my anger towards God.

A lot of my beliefs have changed. But I think in doing so, I've become a better person. But the important things, accepting Christ as my savior hasn't changed. It has only grown stronger, and I feel like I no longer have a religion but a relationship with Christ.

I've found myself opening my mind to things I was so hateful and closed minded about. I'm pushing myself to love people the way Jesus does. All I can do is shake my head and say a prayer for those who use their "faith" and "love" for Christ as a reason to hate and judge others. Honestly, it makes me sick... but I'm not going there, that's not what this is about...

I look forward to growing this relationship, and sharing it with others. And I look forward to rejoining my church family as soon as possible! Because they're everything I wish everyone could be! They are so open and loving to anyone and everyone, and I've yet to see them judge. They wear shirts that say, "No perfect people allowed." for crying out loud!

So...there's my story. I hope it can help someone that's maybe going through the same thing.



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