This is going to blow your mind...

I want 6 kids.

That blows people's minds for some reason.

Actually, if I could REALLY have it my way it would be 8.

I think kids are fan-freaking-tastic and that if you're lucky enough to be blessed with children you should accept those blessings.

However, I will never have 8 kids or 6 or even 5 for that matter. And I'm okay with that. But in a perfect world, I would be thinking of 4 more names for the 4 more children I wished for.

Unfortunately it's not a perfect world. And I'm so far from perfect I can't even see it on the horizon. {No matter how hard I squint my eyes.} I'm so far from perfect I would need a hubble telescope to see it and even then I probably couldn't make it out.

But that's neither here nor there.

We're already busting at the seams in our 1700 square foot home with our 4 kids. I can't imagine stuffing in 2 more.

This is where I begin to feel selfish and untrusting of my faith. We already have enough mouths to feed! Have you no trust that your Father God will provide? We can barely afford to put clothes on their backs as it is! Do they need brand new clothes and shoes all of the time?

But on the other hand I worry if there were more children that they would be jipped. How could I spread myself that thin and be a good mom to all of them? Wouldn't at least one be left out in the bunch?

I go back and forth often.

But when it comes down to it? I'm happy where we are.

I am completely satisfied and content with only having 4 children. I thought we were "done" after Leah. But I still had a longing that I knew would nag me forever, even when she was a little baby the thought of her being my last killed me. This time? That nagging is gone. While I look at Grayson's milestones with bittersweet sadness, it certainly doesn't kill me.

I look forward to the step after the baby years. I look forward to giving my time to the kid's schools more. I want to volunteer and be an active school mom. Will I miss the baby years? DUH! But one day I will have grandbabys to love on.

I'm happy with where we are. We're meant to be a family of 6. I've got two angel babies from miscarriages so one day we'll be a family of 8 and I WIILL have 6 babies. :)