Depression SUCKS

Sh*t is about to get deep up in here. Dark, cavernous abyss deep. (Which is pretty dang deep.) (Now I kind of want to watch The Abyss. Have you seen it? It pretty cool. It has the Mary -insert long hard to spell last name here- chick from Scarface and the guy with the piercing blue eyes and also water butterfly alien type things.) (Okay, enough about movies, this is a post for deep emotional things. And I am WAY off track.)

(Sorry for the long and confusing intro.)

I know my life is awesome. I have an amazing husband who is literally an answer to prayers. 4 gorgeous kids who make me proud and who love me unconditionally. Friends to laugh with or cry to. Family that love me. We are able to pay our bills on time and provide for our family without struggling to make ends meet. I am witness to prayers that are answered in our life time after time.

I don't have a private jet or a mansion but I still know that I "have it all".

I am thankful and grateful.

So why do I have to use every ounce of energy I hold to force myself out of bed each day? Why do I feel so unloved when I KNOW that I am?? Why do thoughts of suicide consume me some days? Why do I feel like I hate my life when I know how much I love it.

Why can't my heart feel what my brain knows?!

Depression is a sadistic mother f*cker.

It's something I have fought literally my entire life. There's not a time in my life where I wasn't battling demons in my head. I've fought long enough to know that it's just a season, that the feelings will pass and that the thoughts are not real, but that they are lies told to me by a disease I have been cursed with.

I know it's a sickness, and that while I feel like I'm not going to make it through the day, that I may wake up the next day and feel okay.

But that doesn't make it any easier.

What really kills me are the days when my brain gives me a one two punch and I'm not only hit down with depression but also attacked with crippling anxiety.

Today? Is one of those days.

Today? I can literally picture what the cool metal barrel of a gun would feel like and taste like in my mouth. I can imagine running my tongue along the groves, before pulling the trigger. I wonder if I would even hear a bang, feel an instant shock or any pain or if it would be instant. Here one second gone the other.

I wonder if I would find myself in heaven or hell or no where at all, just an echo in space. A life vaporized. Just a speck in time.

Luckily I know that I'm sick. And that instead of a cough or fever, I'm having suicidal thoughts. And that like a cough, eventually they will go away.

What's sad are those that take those thoughts too far. Forgetting all that life has to offer, forgetting that tomorrow is a new day and that they may wake up and feel better. What's sadder are those that don't even know that they're sick. Those who don't know that what they're feeling are just lies being told from a sickness they can't control.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take medicine. I feel like I do so well without it and I have a deep seeded fear that if I took medicine to kill the dark thoughts that it would sneak in and kill the funny thoughts or the creative thoughts or other thoughts that I actually WANT to have. I haven't had good experience with head meds.

But it would really be nice to not have days like this.

Depression sucks. And you really only know that if you've dealt with it. Either through yourself or through a loved one.

But depression is part of who I am.

I can't blog about the good without blogging about the bad too. This blog, I feel, has really become an extension of myself. And it couldn't be an accurate extension if I didn't include the f*cked up parts of me too.

That's all.

PS There's also an adorable pet rat, water tube creatures, sadness, and a rekindling of love. I'm talking about the movie again. I don't have pet rats anymore...or water tube creatures.

PPS Blogging from my phone again which relieves me from spelling and grammar duties.