The Day the Blog Died
It has been 1 year and 4 months since I last blogged.
I started off 2015 so full of hope, longing to will myself, my life, into what I wanted, what I dreamt to be. How heartbreaking it is to look back and read the resolutions I had made. As I sat, slowly reading through my short list of hopes I felt a piercing pain in my chest. A cold pain that relentlessly stabbed deeper and deeper with every failed goal I read.
I try to remember what I felt as I sat down to write a new blog post for the new year. The excitement I must have felt, the kind of excitement that comes with the promise of a new beginning. I picture how it must have buzzed through me, down into my arms, through my hands, and along my fingertips, flowing into the keyboard, creating one solitary post.
One post. For all of 2015. Just one.
A month after I published that post I experienced one of the hardest times in my life. All the hope I felt vanished into the black sea of depression I was sucked into.
I spent the majority of 2015 drowning in that black sea, with waves of anxiety, and anger crashing over me, forcing me deeper and deeper until I reached such a low that I was no longer capable of seeing the light through the water's surface. Without a reference I couldn't tell up from down, left from right. The pressure tightened my chest and squeezed every final breath from me. I didn't know my way out, and at one point I no longer cared enough to fight to find it.
It took a lot of work to swim to the surface and crawl out of that black sea. A lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of love from my family, and a lot of will. It also took strength to admit I needed help, and even more strength to actually reach out for that help. I talked to my doctor and started a medication that would help both depression and anxiety. It didn't "cure" me overnight. It took weeks to notice a difference. Little by little life became more bearable.
It's been a few months now since I've felt like I've rejoined the living. I still feel like I have some ways to go. But I know without a doubt that it's not nearly as long to go as before. I'm getting there step by step. I still have bad days, but after having bad weeks and bad months a day here and there, even if it's a couple of days, really doesn't seem that bad. Most of all, when I have those days I know that it is temporary and that it WILL get better. And that's most comforting of all.
Since I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, and start LIVING again, rather than just surviving, I thought that I should start by dusting off this old blog.
I don't want to pressure myself to post every day, or even very often. I'm still scared of the anxiety that certain things like deadlines can cause. But I want to do what I enjoyed before, and part of that is writing. Not for others, but for myself. I need it now more than ever. Maybe I will kick off and reignite an old hobby. Maybe not. Time will tell. 😉
Happy 2015!
I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions. But this year I thought I may give it a go. I don't know how successful I will be, but these are goals that are important to me and I really hope I am able to stick with them.
So here goes.
My 2015 New Years Resolutions
1. Begin blogging again. I miss it. I love being able to look back and read through my blog. It's almost like a digital journal/baby book/memory book/scrapbook. I don't want to set any scheduled goals I must meet or anything. I just want to start blogging more. Maybe start at once a week and go from there.
2. Daily Devotions. Sadly, I've never done devotions. I recently bought a devotional book that has a daily devotional and I hope to be able to do one every day this year.
3. Find a church and become involved again. Especially for the kiddo's sake. I don't even know if I can name how many times we attended church in 2014. Not enough for me to remember. That breaks my heart.
4. Get back behind my camera regularly. Photography is so dear to me. It brings me so much joy, and pride in myself, and it's one of the VERY few things I do for myself.
5. Take time for myself. Wear make up again. And maybe even do my hair sometimes. I'm learning I need to do more things for myself. I've found that in 2014 I've really lost myself. I no longer take time for hobbies I enjoy, or even things I need to do to take care of myself emotionally and physically. I've never been first, and I never will be, my kids will ALWAYS come first. But I need to be at least on the list somewhere. Sewing, quilting, crafting, and as mentioned above, photography. I think having devotional time will also be part of taking time for myself.
6. Spend more one-on-one time with each member of my family. More date nights with my husband, or even just nights alone on our couch eating take-out, playing card games and just talking. More one on one time with each of my kiddos. Mommy/daughter "dates" and mommy/son "dates, and I would really love to Mel to also resolve to have daddy/daughter "dates" and daddy/son "dates". Even simple little things. Sitting down alone to do a puzzle together and talk, a board game between just the two of us, fro yo together, or even just an errand where it's just one kiddo and myself. I think this is one resolution I am most looking forward to and most hope to achieve.
So there you have it. My New Year's Resolutions. Have you made any for the year?
So here goes.
My 2015 New Years Resolutions
1. Begin blogging again. I miss it. I love being able to look back and read through my blog. It's almost like a digital journal/baby book/memory book/scrapbook. I don't want to set any scheduled goals I must meet or anything. I just want to start blogging more. Maybe start at once a week and go from there.
2. Daily Devotions. Sadly, I've never done devotions. I recently bought a devotional book that has a daily devotional and I hope to be able to do one every day this year.
3. Find a church and become involved again. Especially for the kiddo's sake. I don't even know if I can name how many times we attended church in 2014. Not enough for me to remember. That breaks my heart.
4. Get back behind my camera regularly. Photography is so dear to me. It brings me so much joy, and pride in myself, and it's one of the VERY few things I do for myself.
5. Take time for myself. Wear make up again. And maybe even do my hair sometimes. I'm learning I need to do more things for myself. I've found that in 2014 I've really lost myself. I no longer take time for hobbies I enjoy, or even things I need to do to take care of myself emotionally and physically. I've never been first, and I never will be, my kids will ALWAYS come first. But I need to be at least on the list somewhere. Sewing, quilting, crafting, and as mentioned above, photography. I think having devotional time will also be part of taking time for myself.
6. Spend more one-on-one time with each member of my family. More date nights with my husband, or even just nights alone on our couch eating take-out, playing card games and just talking. More one on one time with each of my kiddos. Mommy/daughter "dates" and mommy/son "dates, and I would really love to Mel to also resolve to have daddy/daughter "dates" and daddy/son "dates". Even simple little things. Sitting down alone to do a puzzle together and talk, a board game between just the two of us, fro yo together, or even just an errand where it's just one kiddo and myself. I think this is one resolution I am most looking forward to and most hope to achieve.
So there you have it. My New Year's Resolutions. Have you made any for the year?
ⅅཞع₳ⓜ ℐʘʊℜℕɑℓ
I suffer from brain scrambling, inanity driving, OH-MY-GOD-I-JUST-WANT-TO-SLEEP insomnia. It blows. But when I'm not staring at the ceiling wishing I were sleeping, I dream. I dream weird, weird things.
She was SO beautiful though. Like Hailey was (is). But he was going to keep her from me and just bring her to me to breast feed her as needed. I was so livid and angry with myself for getting pregnant by him and then so pissed about her name and even more pissed that he wanted her!!! I brought her home from the hospital and we were STILL deciding a name. But seriously, on on what universe would I ever give my baby away?! One of the WEIRDEST DREAMS EVER. (And sadly, I've had stranger.)
When I woke up I felt like I had to protect a baby that doesn't exist from a life of doom and tattoos. Oh and a life of a name too close to my own.
Oh and that's not all.
Once I was Notorious BIG reincarnated. No joke. And I was being hunted down by a rival gang who KNEW I was him, even though I'm actually just a chubby white mom. But they KNEW and they were TAKING ME DOWN. And then I ended up in Snoop Doggz apartment hiding from Jay Z. Except his apartment was in the space of an old department store in a mall. And it had James Bond walls with hidden gun rooms and stuff. And yet, that's STILL not the weirdest dream I've had. Although it's up on there on the list of top weirdness.
And another time I dreamt that we lived in the future, and science had discovered a way for you to take your pregnant belly off and give it to someone else to wear for a while. You know, just to get relief and whatnot. My sister so happened to have one of these said mobile pregnant bellys, and decided to let me give it a try.
But like most dreams, it has to take a turn for even weirder, and the belly pops like a balloon and then I have to explain to my sister how I popped her belly and how her baby fell and landed on the floor, but seems to be ok. In the dream my sister was SO pissed and screaming, and I was like "OH MY GOD I DROPPED HER FETUS!" and then I was like, "OH MY GOD CALM DOWN YOUR BABY IS TOTALLY FINE!". And then I woke up.
If I'm not dreaming off the wall Nutty McNutso stuff than I'm dreaming stuff straight from a horror film. Like finding a VHS and watching it and seeing that it's a video of zombie fights and they use people for bait and then the people get eaten and then you realize it's your HUSBAND recording these evil and awful videos!
Or how for some reason you're in a bar for hours and an insanely hot woman is at the bar and literally for hours all your husband talks about is how insanely gorgeous and hot this woman is, and you have to constantly keep him from giving her his number and from going over to talk to her. Yet at every chance he DOES go talk to her and you have to drag him away crying and screaming "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" And then you realize that your only option is to kill this woman. So you walk up and start beating her head against the bar totally zombie-kill style until her head finally just caves into a bloody mess. Then you scold your hubby, he sincerely apologizes and you go home. (The next morning after that dream I called Mel and made him apologize. It was the only way I could feel closure.)
Apparently I have issues. And I need a psychiatrist. But most importantly, I need a freaking dream decoding genius. Because dream dictionaries are stupid and suck and you can't search "reincarnated as Biggy Smalls".
So. PLEASE share one of YOUR weird dreams with me! So I feel normal. Unless I'm really alone in this insanity.
But don't forget! You promised no nuthouse.
♥Love and weird dreams to ya'll.♥
I'm not sure what is possessing me to do this, but I have decided to share some of my most recent weird dreams with you. Just promise you won't send the windowless van with the men in white jackets to take me away. Deal? Deal.
Okay so recently, I dreamt I had another baby girl with my ex! For some ungodly reason Mel was ok with it after a while, and he decided to stick by me or whatever. (so weird and stupid) But then my ex was insisting we name her Briaña, and I was like no no no no NO!!!!!She was SO beautiful though. Like Hailey was (is). But he was going to keep her from me and just bring her to me to breast feed her as needed. I was so livid and angry with myself for getting pregnant by him and then so pissed about her name and even more pissed that he wanted her!!! I brought her home from the hospital and we were STILL deciding a name. But seriously, on on what universe would I ever give my baby away?! One of the WEIRDEST DREAMS EVER. (And sadly, I've had stranger.)
When I woke up I felt like I had to protect a baby that doesn't exist from a life of doom and tattoos. Oh and a life of a name too close to my own.
Oh and that's not all.
Once I was Notorious BIG reincarnated. No joke. And I was being hunted down by a rival gang who KNEW I was him, even though I'm actually just a chubby white mom. But they KNEW and they were TAKING ME DOWN. And then I ended up in Snoop Doggz apartment hiding from Jay Z. Except his apartment was in the space of an old department store in a mall. And it had James Bond walls with hidden gun rooms and stuff. And yet, that's STILL not the weirdest dream I've had. Although it's up on there on the list of top weirdness.
And another time I dreamt that we lived in the future, and science had discovered a way for you to take your pregnant belly off and give it to someone else to wear for a while. You know, just to get relief and whatnot. My sister so happened to have one of these said mobile pregnant bellys, and decided to let me give it a try.
But like most dreams, it has to take a turn for even weirder, and the belly pops like a balloon and then I have to explain to my sister how I popped her belly and how her baby fell and landed on the floor, but seems to be ok. In the dream my sister was SO pissed and screaming, and I was like "OH MY GOD I DROPPED HER FETUS!" and then I was like, "OH MY GOD CALM DOWN YOUR BABY IS TOTALLY FINE!". And then I woke up.
If I'm not dreaming off the wall Nutty McNutso stuff than I'm dreaming stuff straight from a horror film. Like finding a VHS and watching it and seeing that it's a video of zombie fights and they use people for bait and then the people get eaten and then you realize it's your HUSBAND recording these evil and awful videos!
Or how for some reason you're in a bar for hours and an insanely hot woman is at the bar and literally for hours all your husband talks about is how insanely gorgeous and hot this woman is, and you have to constantly keep him from giving her his number and from going over to talk to her. Yet at every chance he DOES go talk to her and you have to drag him away crying and screaming "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" And then you realize that your only option is to kill this woman. So you walk up and start beating her head against the bar totally zombie-kill style until her head finally just caves into a bloody mess. Then you scold your hubby, he sincerely apologizes and you go home. (The next morning after that dream I called Mel and made him apologize. It was the only way I could feel closure.)
Apparently I have issues. And I need a psychiatrist. But most importantly, I need a freaking dream decoding genius. Because dream dictionaries are stupid and suck and you can't search "reincarnated as Biggy Smalls".
So. PLEASE share one of YOUR weird dreams with me! So I feel normal. Unless I'm really alone in this insanity.
But don't forget! You promised no nuthouse.
♥Love and weird dreams to ya'll.♥
Musical Monday #30
By the time this posts it will not technically be Monday here on the east coast, but with the magic of blogging I can make it appear as though this was post was indeed a "Monday" post. {It's 11:58pm}
If you live in the continental United States, or any other country where you face "first world problems" than you know who Lorde is. Her song Royals sat nice and cozy on Billboard's Hot 100 top spot for 9 consecutive weeks.
Today I am sharing a different song. You may have heard it, you may not have. But it's a current fave of mine. After hearing this song, I decided to just go ahead and buy her album. I haven't yet, but I am looking forward to it! {I'm lazy about downloading songs. Nothing but pure unadulterated procrastination holds me back from about 4 albums I need to buy.}
Without further ado, I share with you today:
Lorde "Tennis Court"
♫♪Don't you think that it's boring how people talk♪♫
Making smart with their words again, well I'm bored
Because I'm doing this for the thrill of it, killin' it
Never not chasing a million things I want
♪And I am only as young as the minute is full of it♪
♫
I'm sure kids who loves this $#!+ probably think that I'm old as dirt. But that's okay. Perhaps I'm in some mid-mid life crisis. After all, I'm only mere days away from the very last year I will spend in my twenty's. {Oh the horror! Yawn.} I don't feel like I care, but perhaps my choice in music says otherwise. Maybe while I'm driving down the street with my minivan thumping to the awesome base line this very song bestows my subconscious is subliminally crying out for help.
Or maybe it's just a good freaking song.
Who knows.
Either way? Enjoy it. Or hate it. I don't care! Just listen to it. And make a choice.
♥
PS YES the lyrics ARE dumb at times. Or, well, maybe the whole time. But that's okay. Because I get lost in it. And those are the songs worth listening to. The ones you lose yourself in.
Embrace the Mess
Several weeks ago, I posted a very long status that I am going to repost as a blog. Facebook has a way of swallowing up posts, never to be heard from again. I actually hate that. At one time, you could go all the way through your Facebook timeline and see everything you had every posted, to the very first post and all that's between. I don't like that you can no longer do that. It makes me sad. But I'm getting off point here.
If you are a Facebook friend of mine, you've already read this. So feel free to skip along, but for others, read this and try to take it to heart!
"One of the saddest things to hear a parent say is "NO! Don't do that, it's just so messy!" So here is my public service announcement: Moms, dads, BE MESSY! PLAY with your kids! Make memories! LEARN TO LET GO.
If you are a Facebook friend of mine, you've already read this. So feel free to skip along, but for others, read this and try to take it to heart!
"One of the saddest things to hear a parent say is "NO! Don't do that, it's just so messy!" So here is my public service announcement: Moms, dads, BE MESSY! PLAY with your kids! Make memories! LEARN TO LET GO.
What do you think they will remember and cherish most??? "Oh we always had such a clean house growing up..." OR "We had a lot of fun growing up, I will never forget the fun memories my mother made with us!" Messes can be cleaned. One day you won't have a little one to get messy with and clean up after. Every day that passes is another day you're losing.
So paint, throw mud, build forts, tear them down and build them again, make FOOD together and actually LET THEM help! Let them make mistakes, and be there to help them learn from them. Play hard, play HARDER. Let them use the toy with a million pieces, give them clothes they can stain, have a food fight, spray them with the hose from the sink. Then laugh and clean it up TOGETHER. Say "yes" more and "no" less.
So much stress is on parents because they've put it there themselves. Let it go. Don't be a grumpy maid, who says no to fun because YOU'RE the one who has to clean up afterwards. Be the parent who has FUN and then teach responsibility by having them help clean the mess they helped create.
What are you afraid of? The only thing you've got to lose is the stress of trying to keep it all perfect. And if you ask me, that's something everyone can do without."
Musical Monday #29
Kodaline "High Hopes"
♫♪But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started ♪♫
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh, when it all comes to an end
But the world keeps spinning
♫around♪
I felt more in the few minutes watching this music video, than I have felt in movies hours longer.
It's not often my throat tightens, and tears threaten to fall. If you can make that happen with a song, and a simple music video, than you've got some major talent.
Here is another song I LOVE from Kodaline, one you might've heard. The video is equally moving. Upon first seeing it, I thought that it would be silly, and corny, but it's SO NOT. You must watch! Especially if you've heard the song, but haven't seen the video:
Kodaline "All I Want"
The Other L Word
LAUNDRY
Having ALL of the clothes clean at one time is a rare event. So rare, that when it actually occurs two things take place. 1) No one can find anything to wear because they're not used to clothes being where they actually belong. And 2) Drawers and closets are bursting at their seams and can barely contain the amount of clothes we actually have. They (as in the fam) honestly aren't aware of how much clothing we own until it's all in one place. I, on the other hand know all to well, as I am the designated laundry washer, dryer, sorter, folder, and (mostly) put awayer.
It's a really awesome feeling to be able to see the laundry room floor, to know that our kids are provided for and THEN some, and to know that the laundry is DONE! (For today.)It's also awesome to know that I am not alone in this never-ending battle against the immortal laundry monster!
Now please, tell me this: am I the only one who VOWS to never get behind again? And who SWEARS to keep up with it "this time"? I tell myself over and over, "Yes! We're caught up! Now keep it this way!!". Only to fall prey to the laundry monster once more.
I know one day I'm going to MISS washing these clothes. These little, dirty, well-payed in clothes. I know one day I will be able to get away with washing just one load a week. That seems forever away, especially when I'm in the throws of battle. But I know it will be here in a blink of an eye.
Perhaps I should cherish the endless supply of mismatched socks...but on the other hand...maybe not. ;)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Having ALL of the clothes clean at one time is a rare event. So rare, that when it actually occurs two things take place. 1) No one can find anything to wear because they're not used to clothes being where they actually belong. And 2) Drawers and closets are bursting at their seams and can barely contain the amount of clothes we actually have. They (as in the fam) honestly aren't aware of how much clothing we own until it's all in one place. I, on the other hand know all to well, as I am the designated laundry washer, dryer, sorter, folder, and (mostly) put awayer.
It's a really awesome feeling to be able to see the laundry room floor, to know that our kids are provided for and THEN some, and to know that the laundry is DONE! (For today.)It's also awesome to know that I am not alone in this never-ending battle against the immortal laundry monster!
Now please, tell me this: am I the only one who VOWS to never get behind again? And who SWEARS to keep up with it "this time"? I tell myself over and over, "Yes! We're caught up! Now keep it this way!!". Only to fall prey to the laundry monster once more.
I know one day I'm going to MISS washing these clothes. These little, dirty, well-payed in clothes. I know one day I will be able to get away with washing just one load a week. That seems forever away, especially when I'm in the throws of battle. But I know it will be here in a blink of an eye.
Perhaps I should cherish the endless supply of mismatched socks...but on the other hand...maybe not. ;)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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